words make you think a thought. music makes you feel a feeling.
a song makes you feel a thought. -e.y. harburg
past experience has taught me that when a relationship ends, it should end in a way where both of you have benefitted from being together. that both of you come out of the relationship better people.. better people for the next ones destined to come your way. a little stronger, a little wiser, a little more prepared.
i’ve lost all such desire. i may just be kidding myself. i know deep down i want to believe and know that my time will come. i keep convincing myself that i can’t be that complicated. that i’ll find someone who’ll be on the same page as me and make me feel what i’ve wanted to feel after all this time.
unfortunately the one who i thought would do it, didn’t.
what i learned from him… don’t wait around, don’t expect, don’t do anything, cause it all just doesn’t matter in the end. cause in the end you’ll always just be you and only you.
holding on to what little hope i have left. please someone prove me wrong.
—or the ones via text. (that should never be accepted)
have i become that stupid to think he’d honestly be different? time after time i’ve been told “you deserve better” or “he takes you for granted” but i brush it off and convince myself that he really does care about me. he does love me. its complicated, thats all.
i need to open my eyes. listen to my heart.
he’s not in love with you. the idea of an “us” probably yes. but me. no he’s not.
if he was truly undeniably in love with me. i wouldnt feel this way. i wouldnt doubt it.
i would know.
he loves me as his friend, nothing more. time to accept it.
I remember when someone told me “..as long as you’re happy, but you shouldn’t have to worry about your own relationship..” ..maybe I don’t know what makes me happy anymore. I think I know but maybe I’m just to chicken to admit that it doesn’t make me as happy as I think.
this feeling sucks.
ahhh, yes the holiday season is fully upon us. thanksgiving has come and gone as has all the items from black friday. is it asking too much to want a traditional relationship? why does it seem so complicated?
why place me in a category as everyone else? if i am ever so “special” to you, why is simple phone call from you is so foreign. my expectations of you have lowered so much that even the simplest gestures have only caused me grief. maybe because its just that time of year. where you simply disappear. it happens every time. first with thanksgiving, then with my birthday, then christmas, and then comes new year. for 4 years i’ve come to grips knowing that holidays won’t be spent with you. that i have to ask to spend time with you for my birthday. i HAVE to ask? that just sounds so ridiculous. to have to ask to spend time with someone i love for my own birthday.. to proclaim that i’ll be happy as long as you’re there with me to celebrate, and yet when it’s your birthday my presence isnt a necessity. I can accept what i can’t change. what good is it to me though? youve become so predictable. ive learned more about you than you know and clearly you havent attempted to learn much about me or at the least take what i’ve told you to heart. why do i torture myself like this. why do i continue to believe that you’ll change your ways and you’ll prove to me how much i really mean to you. all the gifts you may give me will not amount to how much i want you to just show me your love.
yeah, it’s that time of year again. when i realize just how much farther i am away from what i truly desire most…
my heavy <3 can’t sleep cause of you. I’m tired of your disappearing acts and this s#!t you put me through. That’s not being a friend, let alone it’s not even being a best friend. You’re so unworthy of the title, and yet I still give it to you. You’re unworthy of my time, yet I make it for you. Do you see it. Do you even realize. I highly doubt it.
I don’t hear from you since Thursday morning and then I all of a sudden i exist early Monday morning. Such bullshit. And I suppose you expect me to tell you how much I missed you. I’m so tired of your fricken nonsense. If you’re suppose to be one of the rare ones you’re far from it. Because in my eyes and in my heart you are just like all the rest. Its only when you need something from me, do you need me. That much hasn’t changed. I’m your someone now til someone better comes along. I have nothing good to say to you. As much as I care for you I just can’t handle this anymore.
Find what makes me happy? It use to be you.